Weblog Entry - 03/20/2003: "standing close"

warning: dont read

Today a friend of mine who I just recently started talking to again (after a couple years of hardly seeing him) dropped a book on my desk in homeroom. It was Henry Rollins' "Solipsist." A book released on his own small label which generally features authors and musicians whom he thinks are cool. This results in a diverse mass available for public consumption, depending on how adventurous one is. The book is about 170 pages, and is just a large grouping of writings. The only way to tell when another begins is when the 'title' (which is generally just a semi-unrelated statement) appears in bold letters. Now, as the book title suggests, this is a fairly philosophical book. Before you go trying to buy it, I feel I should warn you that it is extremely depressing (at least for me). The theme is basically his feelings and desires for detachment from humanity. A self destructive pain inflicted on him by many different people and ideas, but a pain that makes him stronger, that keeps him alive. Now before you go branding it some goth "I hate the world" trash poetry collection, give it a try. Certainly there are parts that border on that sort of thing, but they are few and still hold a great deal of merit upon a second or third glance.

Now I think he is beyond a lot of what he has written in the book (it is over 5 years old), based on more recent spoken word performances I've heard where he ridicules his own mindset at the time. Still, it was so addictive to read that I did nothing but read it for most of my classes, and it was done within the last half hour of my final period. By that time I was in calc class, and I felt it was so unimportant in comparison to the similarities I found in myself that Rollins' experienced, that I glanced at the quiz given today, and it being multiple choice, totally randomly guessed every single answer.

The previous class had been physics. With kat. We did a lab (they did a lab) in which I copied the real important stuff down in my notebook. I was at this point already very detached from what was going on around me. Students were making jokes I barely heard, and friends were attempting to talk to me without success. Understanding the book was more important. I should mention that kat did get me out of my trance for a while. We talked about her upcoming rocky horror picture show play in april, and I showed her the book. She said she had been reading over my shoulder, and thought it looked interesting. I picked a couple really emotional passages and had her read them.

Now I want to say my motivation was to share this experience, but I'm afraid that I only did it to gain points for being some philosophical fuck that is somehow better than everyone else. I don't think I thought that or meant that, but I can't get the thought that I might have out of my head. Though if I realize that it would have been an asshole thing to do, I think that makes it not so bad if I had, because it means I want to be honest. I don't want to be that fake philosophy major spewing utter bullshit to impress art students. Anyway, I said a couple things I regret exposing to her about myself, just what I don't remember, but I know it was something. I think she understood anyway, she seems very good at that.

So we made some jokes to each other, then left for our different classes. Immediately I was back in the book, and for the rest of the day I have been slowly resurfacing once I finished it. Now, I realize that I could be pulling a major sympathy trip on myself. That I love this girl, and even if she loves me, we are certain to be split apart once she heads to college at Northwestern, is driving me insane. I know I need this, to not have to care about anything for just a little while. Today I was a different person. I don't know if one day is enough.