in my endless struggle to be different, i have not bothered to see the matrix reloaded. and in efforts to keep my contrarian nature i opted to read all the spoilers just to prove to people it sucks. I was going to write without capitalization but that's so overdone these days I'm better off alternating if I want to keep some semblance of individuality.

yeah i didn't plan out anything im writing right now. usually i do. mostly i dont when i dont feel like it. which is most always. haha im indulging myself at this point. no sense make i while being quite sober believe me. i cleaned the kitchen floor today so maybe the pine sol is eating at my brain. it would have been avoided if only they hadnt made it so tasty.

moving on.. im reading the vampire lestat. actually i have a few pages left so i might as well say im reading queen of the damned. I had read them a few years ago and liked them; and now I feel a need to combine it with the rainy days and my black clothes and kat..

no i promise right now i wont subject you to my insanity in this area. no writing about kat here. convenient that non-kat turned into auxious and eliminates confusion on that point though. anyway..

im not a goth so shut up. that would be far too easy and bland. my self destruction will have to be better than a black heart rotting in hell as satan stomps on it with the proverbial thorned penis. yes the proverbial one, read the bible.

sorry i lied and made that up. the penis part that is.

Seriously I should be drunk but I've gone and convinced myself already that drugs and alcohol etc are a waste of time. (But writing pages and pages of morbid "self discovery" and bullshit reasoning of my thoughts and actions in a diaryisn't.) yeah sure im a fucking idiot i know. Until something better comes along I'm sticking with this frame of mind and way of life because honestly it's very interesting. I left the irc channel because I have some amount of mercy for the people there who would rather do anything but hear about my problems. now ive gone back. partially out of lonliness probably, curiousity definately, and a knowledge that i have enough self control not to resort to typing very much. ill consider this an exception because you should have thought twice before clicking read more. hah

also my hand hurts because i overexerted it playing guitar tonight, and writing with pencil and paper is uncomfortable. and shes written in it too, and i always flip past that page. woah now already im breaking my promises heh. blah blah finals in a couple days. no chinese final because i have an A in the class and its some new school policy where i dont need to take the final if i have an a avg. im failing calc so im not even taking the final. astronomy is a joke ill ace it easily. that leaves physics which he promised would be simple. then high school is over. woah...

i have no concrete plans after this. i like to tell people who ask that im going to umass amherst for chinese in the spring. but i havent emailed the college, and i doubt ill get off my ass to study without a class forcing me to. that much is obvious based on how much ive looked at the book in the past few days. i know i need to do this but im still a stupid bastard who doesnt believe in wasting time with anything that wont kill me at a young age to prove something (read: nothing) to everyone else (read: no one). i need a drink. thats why im not going to get one.

I'm not alternating enough between capitalization and Non-Capitalization. I've been fasting for two days now. I don't know why (lies) but it does something to me that I like. Living without. This time it isn't spiteful at least. It's one of those things where the thought gets in my brain, and I make some promise to myself to do it. I don't even really think about it. It'll go something like "that ghandi guy fasted for a while that was cool. I should fast! Yeah now you have to because you said so! alright lets do this no eating." 24 hours later and im still at it. I've resolved to go until after I see her. gives me a sense of purpose. and i can say im pale because i havent eaten anything. not because ___<--you dont want to know.

its still raining. at least it knows when to.

what was here has been deleted and replaced with this line instead. im batman

You are officially a blog whore. Never post again.

Posted by Afterglow from 24.42.72.116 @ 05/26/2003 05:42 PM CST

wb?

Posted by ryan from 207.6.74.68 @ 05/26/2003 07:56 PM CST

You sound like a place I once went, or something. I ate peanut butter on toast this morning. Maybe prescribed drugs might help?

Posted by Jon from 81.26.106.28 @ 05/27/2003 11:32 AM CST