can we ditch that iraq body count shit yet?

in other news, i'm back to my old routine: school, study, screw off and fail. well hopefully not that last part. I have a midterm tomorrow that I am prepared for. Ill prepared, but prepared nevertheless. I spend a lot of time over at friends places, doing things that are far more enjoyable than studying.

My ama on 7L reached 57.95 today; it would be 58 if the server didn't keep crashing. Then again, I'd probably be dead from attempting the ancients. Meanwhile, my projects and assignments are drawing nearer and I am not making any progress. This is what I do to myself when I lose traction.

I'm glad to be going back to San Fransisco area in the fall, and not only because it is a guaranteed job in an bear market. I'm in a holding pattern in my life, for now, because I'm halfway between work and school. If I actually went out and met people (read: girls) now, I'd just be leaving them behind in 3 months anyway. This is my justification for being a troglodyte for the next 3 months: I don't want to start anything I'll have to sever shortly anyway. In many ways this is a lame justification, a cop-out, because honestly I could use someone in my life; I could use someone.

I can tell, I am going through another trough in my mood cycle. I've been better, and things only seem to getting worse; every day I wake up it seems I'm looking through a progressively more discolored lens. These are the days I stay up at night, berating myself for not being asleep. These are the days I throw opportunities away so I can beat myself up over them later. And I want to write. I only feel like writing when I am approaching the nadir. I only feel creative on the way down.

The other day I saw a train coming down the tracks, and I thought to myself how easy it would be to just lay my neck down. I probably would never feel a thing; I wouldn't have time to comprehend the feeling of pressure from the wheel before I felt nothing more. The thought both sickened and intrigued me, but I told myself I wouldn't find out, not yet.

These are the dark days that plague my existence; the creativity that comes with them is welcome, but is poor payment for the joy it bleeds out of my life. I would trade it in a heartbeat for this bleakness.

Wouldn't I?

Think of what you'd do to the traindriver, conductors, passengers and maintenance people if you killed yourself in such a fashion :(

I remember being unhappy and having that cycle-prediction thing. Its weird. If you can time your watch by your mood, maybe you should see someone.

Don't play Vice City if you are a procastinator!

Posted by Jon from 81.26.103.115 @ 06/03/2003 04:50 AM CST

Think of what you'd do to the traindriver, conductors, passengers and maintenance people if you killed yourself in such a fashion :(

I remember being unhappy and having that cycle-prediction thing. Its weird. If you can time your watch by your mood, maybe you should see someone.

Don't play Vice City if you are a procastinator!

Posted by Jon from 81.26.103.115 @ 06/03/2003 04:52 AM CST

yes

Posted by JonR from 155.245.21.58 @ 06/03/2003 11:04 AM CST