"He stretched out his hand desperately as if to snatch only a wisp of air, to save a fragment of the spot that she had made lovely for him. But it was all going by too fast now for his blurred eyes and he knew that he had lost that part of it, the freshest and the best, forever."

-the great gatsby

she wrote this quote in a lot of places. found in these few pages torn from her journal. she shares this with me, and nothing could be more perfectly beautiful. "i didnt expect to talk to you after today" i say on the final day of class with her. she wont let me leave so easily, even to save her the regret. i take the books and journal pages; insurance to make sure we see eachother again. i give in, maybe too easily. now i still have the books, weve seen eachother once since, talked online a couple times since. its been days since hearing her voice. there are so many beautiful experiences that always stay just out of reach when we are near. i could live like this forever; the sorrow is romantic and fills an emptiness that my heart creates while my mind mocks. im not blind to how this all works. i know i could choose life like so many others, job house cat car kids, but despite everyone else looking down upon the way i build my reality, i like it here.

but if she doesnt anymore, ill leave it all in a heartbeat. i dont know what she wants now. she isnt making any efforts to speak with me. i tell her i dont want this to fade away, if it has to end let it stop as it was before that can happen. "it will never fade" she tells me. but every day without her eyes, every day she isnt around to hear me say i love her, i worry that it does fade for her. i should have left while she still could have fallen in love with me. and perhaps this is what hurts her, that she does care for me when she knows she has to leave soon. i think we are too alike in this, but she is stronger in her mind than her heart while i choose the exact opposite.

i want to believe that everyone experiences this. at least once. how much it changes each person stays with them for the rest of their lives. even worse would be to never have loved her at all though, because you learn a lot about yourself in all this. good luck to anyone else finding themselves in the same position.

I'M JUST A TEEEEENAAAAAAGE DIIIIIRRTTBAAAAGG

Posted by Linguica from 4.63.23.14 @ 06/06/2003 05:37 AM CST

I've had a similar experience

Posted by Jon from 81.26.112.6 @ 06/06/2003 07:09 AM CST

CRRRRRRRRAWLING INNN MY SKINNNNN

Posted by Afterglow from 24.42.72.116 @ 06/06/2003 10:00 AM CST

when they've finished using you, you're just another band-aid in the garbage heap.

when you're ready, you'll abandon paradise too.

Posted by andy from 24.102.100.203 @ 06/06/2003 04:54 PM CST

no not abandon, just push it to the back of my mind. i can grasp at the memories when im able to pay the price of doing so.

Posted by jonc from 68.184.33.243 @ 06/07/2003 10:21 AM CST

needs more impsex

Posted by fraggle from 212.159.87.48 @ 06/22/2003 12:32 AM CST